Dear Diary
by livewritealways
Summary: A look into Kate Beckett's innermost thoughts throughout the journey of the show. An episode by episode diary entry with a few more thrown in here and there!
1. Chapter 1

_a/n: Hey guys - I feel like I've fallen off the face of the Earth! Work has been so unbelievably busy. But, the school year is winding down and that means more time to write, this, Look How Far We've Come, and my non-Castle novel. I'm looking forward to a summer of writing! This story idea popped into my head yesterday as I was driving to work, and I couldn't resist starting it. This will follow the series, episode by episode, with some extra days thrown in here and there. Please forgive any errors as I haven't had my beta read through, as it's a surprise for her. Krystle - I hope you like it! Thanks in advance for reading. You guys are the best! xoxo, K._

March 9, 2009

Dear Diary,

It's funny. I started this ten years ago as a way to channel my thoughts. A way to help me go through the hardest time in my life. You don't just get over a death, especially when someone is so violently taken from you. And yet, between this diary, and his books, I've been able to exist. To put one foot in front of the other every day and try to make Mom proud. I met him today. Had to take him in for questioning. He was different than I imagined. Different than I remember from that brief snapshot in time. Less wondrous, more jackass. But somehow still hotter than hell.

Between buttering up Montgomery and the Mayor, Castle managed to wiggle his way into assisting with the investigation. He was actually pretty insightful – but I would never tell him that. Not in a million years. And because he was able to assist, Montgomery is going to let him shadow me to help with research for his next book. As if I don't have enough on my plate.

But give me about two seconds to dance around my apartment because Richard Freaking Castle wants to base a character on me.

Ok. I'm over it. I'm not excited. Not even a little. He's a jackass.

A hot jackass.

Oh stop judging me. You're a diary. I'm allowed to think the annoying man is drop dead gorgeous.

We'll see how this goes.

Kate


	2. Chapter 2

_a/n: You guys are amazing! Thanks so much for all the love!_

March 16, 2009

Dear Diary,

He's trouble. There's no doubt about it. And obviously the man has a way with stories. He's a millionaire novelist. But, sitting there in the precinct, hearing him tell the story of what happened with the dead nanny, **before** we solved the murder…it gave me chills.

Dammit.

I hate that he has that affect on me. I'm not gonna let him get to me. I refuse.

Like he's gonna explain sex to me. As if. Who does he think he is? What's he trying to imply? Sure. It's been awhile, but he doesn't know that. There's something about him that just gets under my skin. And not in the good way.

He actually used to take his daughter to the park. That's a side of him I never really saw coming. You don't read much about his daughter, and the way he talks about her, I think he might actually be a good dad. Who would have thought?

That helps his case. Case? What the hell am I talking about? Like I'm weighing options. But I'm not. I'm not.

He's still a jackass who thinks he knows as much or more than I do about solving crimes. But I can't deny the fact that he helps. Who knows how long it would have taken us to notice the elevator time difference. Not that I can tell him that.

I swear, that man's ego must be as big as his –

And I can't think about that. Not now.

Kate


	3. Chapter 3

_a/n: Thanks so much for the love, friends! I'm having fun writing this one :)_

March 23, 2009

Dear Diary,

Dead kids always get to me. I mean, they all do. Of course they do. But there's something about a kid being murdered when they have so much life ahead of them. It reminds me of Mom. I know it shouldn't – it's different. At the heart of it though, murder is murder. A life taken. Before having the opportunity to live.

I miss her every day. When will this get any easier?

Castle does make a good distraction though. I couldn't help but picture him as a trouble-making teenager after our case. I wonder what he was like back then. We're all different as teenagers, but Richard Castle…He must have been one interesting kid...He says he was kicked out of all of New York's finest schools. Fiction or Non?

Not that I really want to know. He's still an egotistical jackass who butts in on my investigations.

This case hit him hard though. Teenagers being murdered…what the parents go through. There's just not enough you can do in this world to keep the people you love safe. Kids are reckless, people kill to get ahead. And it's my job to solve their murders. Apparently now it's Castle's job to follow and "take notes". Right.

I wonder how much longer he'll be around?

Kate


	4. Chapter 4

March 25, 2009

Dear Diary,

Castle tried to get me to go to dinner tonight. Remy's. He's already learned that's my weakness. But somehow, I managed to turn him down, even though I really wanted a strawberry shake.

Why did I do that again?

Kate


	5. Chapter 5

_a/n: You guys are awesome - thanks for the love!_

March 30, 2009

Dear Diary,

The coffee at the 12th does NOT taste like a monkey peed in battery acid. It doesn't. Dammit. I guess it does. Worse even than that. How does he even come up with this stuff? Because he's Richard Freaking Castle, that's why. I don't even know why I ask questions in here when I already know the answer. But, I do it all the time, so why change things now?

Anyway, there's never a dull moment in my job, especially when I always seem to get the weird ones. Dead man in a rug – definitely didn't disappoint. Not to mention the fact that Castle does actually make things interesting. He told me today that he's a wise ass not a jackass. I told him I didn't know there was a difference, but I do see one with him. For some reason he wants the world to see him as a jackass…I'm sure there's more pieces to that puzzle, but that's for another time. Or not. Because I'm not interested in learning more. He just needs to do his research and get out. Before someone gets hurt.

Back to the case. Jeff Horn, a big name this time, with pre-meditation. It's like that more often than not with those big name cases. It's always the same. It's hard to imagine someone doing this to him. Enemies wouldn't go this far. He was a good man. Why is it always the family values guy that gets caught with his pants down? Irony, that's why. No one ever suspects the person responsible. At first we didn't, but we got there eventually. Frank Nesbit with the help of the lovely Laurie Horn. Campaign manager and wife, killer and conspirator. Castle did manage to contribute. Even though he took photos of my crime scene, and emailed them to his interior decorator.

Interior decorator! Who actually has an interior decorator? Richard Castle, that's who. And then he told me he slept with her. And why the hell does that make my skin crawl? Don't even get me started on the prostitute. It's just so – I don't even want to think about it.

It's not like I've thought about him like that at all.

I haven't.

And why did he have to go and buy us that amazing cappuccino machine? Not that I'd admit it to him, but it's amazing. To die for. Sinfully delicious.

Dammit. I hate this.

Kate


	6. Chapter 6

_a/n: Thank you for making me smile! One more school day to go - then it's summer, which means more writing! Yay!_

April 6, 2009

Dear Diary,

He's so adamant that every story makes sense. But that's not the case. Not everything always makes sense. Not every crime is solved and wrapped up into a nice, neat bow. My mom's case wasn't. There are cases every day that get slapped onto the cold pile. Not every story makes sense.

A Chill Went Through Her Veins. That's the title he gave to this case. He thinks he's clever, naming cases. Dead girl, frozen for five years, clearly that means he should make a joke. He tried to impress me with his speed-reading, with his quippy one-liners. Those aren't going to work on me. They may work on his usual…women, but not me.

He tried to get a read on me. Thinks he knows me, knows what makes me tick. He doesn't. If he knew everything, he'd be gone too. Just like the others. I can't blame them though, not really. I push everyone away. Why the hell would I want people close to me? Everyone eventually goes away. I can't handle that from any one else. Might as well not let anyone in.

Every day, I put on my Dad's watch, and put my Mom's ring around my neck. Every day, my heart breaks a little more.

I don't think I can hurt any more.

Kate


	7. Chapter 7

_a/n: Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words! xoxo_

April 13, 2015

Dear Diary,

Castle walked into my crime scene in a daze today and almost immediately proclaimed that he had sex with his ex-wife. His first ex-wife. Alexis' mother. Apparently she's a deep-fried Twinkie. Good every once in awhile, but bad for your health. So why the hell did he sleep with her? Why do men do things like that, and then complain about it? Here's an idea: if you don't want her around, don't sleep with her! Men just think with their –

Never mind. I can't think about him like that. For some reason, it bothers me too much. I don't know why.

Then he has to go and tell me stories about her. As if I need another reason to hate the woman. Can you believe she actually took Alexis to Paris without telling him? Who does that? I can't even imagine what he went through. 9 years old. Poor kid. Poor Rick.

Dammit.

He said the sex with crazy people is unbelievable. Sex with him must be –

Shit.

I need to stop thinking about him like that.

It's never going to happen.

Kate


	8. Chapter 8

_a/n: Thanks to those of you for reading, reviewing, following and favoriting this story - I really appreciate your kind words and time taken to read! xoxo, K_

April 20, 2009

Dear Diary,

Beckett flavored. How did I start getting these? I have a knack for the weird and how can I say? More creative cases. What does it say about me that those are the cases I prefer?

I love my job. And I'm damn good at it. Even talking to those children of the victims. Trying to assure them that we will do whatever we can to give them justice.

Not everyone gets justice.

Stanford to homicide detective. Innocent teen to child of the victim. Avenger?

Many layers to the Beckett onion, what can I say?

Another layer is simply my annoyance at one Mr. Richard Castle. The nerve of him, really. First the man pretends he doesn't know how to shoot. He found me at the range and had me teach him, then conned me into giving him crime scene photos. He actually shot three rounds right in the center of the target. And I'll be damned if it wasn't sexy.

Then. Then the man has the nerve to show up with a thief at the crime scene. Without me. With a thief! He thinks he can just go wherever he wants, whenever he wants. No regard to procedures, to rules, to those of us who are actually trying to do our jobs. Not just following cops around, annoying them.

I can't actually deny the fact that he was helpful. He always is, even though I wish he wasn't. It would be a hell of a lot easier to get him to stop following me if he was a blundering idiot.

Between being an excellent shot, talking to Mitchell, and getting us tickets to the Waldorf benefit, and the dress, the man definitely helps. I wanted to hate him for the dress – I did. But, it's gorgeous. And as arrogant as he is, it was thoughtful, in his Castle way.

Rich and handsome, the white whale. Apparently every woman at the freaking Waldorf who was not otherwise engaged has tried to land him. And the man can dance. An evening with him went for $7,000. Lucky me, I get days and days with him for free. The only thing it costs me is my patience. And sanity.

He calls the Mayor, Bob. Bob. And apparently talks about me to the man. At their card games. I've got to get in on those. I can't even imagine what goes on with his poker buddies. Not that I really want to. I just want to kick his ass in front of his friends.

I think my heart stopped for a minute seeing him wrestling Nadir with his gun. I'll give the man credit though, for once, he did try to stay in the car.

Ugh. Enough random ramblings for one night. It's been a long day and I need sleep before the next call.

Shit. I spoke too soon. There's been a murder.

I'm gonna need a coffee…I guess it's time to wake Castle.

Kate


	9. Chapter 9

_a/n: Sorry it's been awhile guys! Turns out, I really miss this story, and, ya know. The others I'm working on. Unfortunately life is busy, but here's to hoping I'll get more writing done soon! If you're still with me, I appreciate it! This one's for you_ _ **burningxredxcaskett**_ _..._

April 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

Finally played poker with Castle and the boys. Of course there was talk of strip poker. Naturally the night ends (or is it begins?) in murder. Some things don't change.

Murder never sleeps. Esposito was right, it feels like we never do either.

Woman drowned in motor oil, after hiding her identity for 20 years. How can you live a lie for that long?

And how could he have lied about the poker hand? Seriously. Does he think I'm some weak, pathetic woman who needs a man to look out for her? As if. Man, this entry is getting to be about as random as they come.

Time to get case focused.

This case was actually interesting. 1989. That's a long way to go for Cynthia to wait. I guess going to an author is a good way to go if you want to win that jury favor. That Lee Wax though. There was something about her that just rubbed me the wrong way.

It wasn't just something. It was the way she interacted with Castle. She had her eye on him. It was so obvious. Wouldn't you think an author would be a little more sophisticated than that? Wait. Don't answer that. As if you could.

Why does that have to bother me so much? I mean, it's not like he's actually into her or anything.

Why do I have such a soft spot for him?

I let him beat me in the next game of poker. I couldn't resist. I didn't want to beat him in front of his friends. Apparently I'm not the only one with a soft spot. Maybe that's why he did it for me…

Either way. The man drives me nuts. End of story. Even if his theories do pay off. Every once in awhile. Okay, okay. Most of the time.

Just don't tell him I said that.

Kate


	10. Chapter 10

_a/n: Another one! Thanks to those of you who are still with me :) Your comments mean the world! xoxoK_

May 7, 2009

Dear Diary,

I'm exhausted. The last few days, they've been pretty brutal. Will. Angela. Castle. I don't know which of them bothered me the most.

How anyone can kidnap their own child, even if it is supposedly in their best interest...I'll never know or understand. How Will can waltz back in, request me on a case, and try to get us to reconnect, then Castle suddenly do and say the right thing? Some days are just - weird. That's all I have to say about it.

But when Will kissed me, I - and then when Castle caught us -

Why are men so complicated?

It doesn't matter. They don't matter. All that matters is this time, this time, we got the kid back alive. This time, Angela gets to go to sleep with her stuffed bunny, and for me, that's all that really matters.

Kate


	11. Chapter 11

_a/n: You guys continue to make me smile! Thank you for your kind words, sorry I haven't had a chance to thank you all individually! xoxoK_

May 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

He looked into her case. I told him not to. I told him to let it go or we'd be done. But he -

He said I don't back down. He said I'm extraordinary. I think his rose colored glasses have fogged up. He gives me too much credit.

I'm not extraordinary. I'm not even ordinary. I'm just a cop who could tumble down the rabbit hole at any given moment.

Not backing down comes at a price. I can't believe he'd do this to me. Just when I think he can't get any worse.

I shouldn't open her case back up again. But maybe I have to. Maybe I've waited long enough.

Kate


	12. Chapter 12

September 22, 2009

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile. I thought for a little while, that maybe, just maybe I'd be able to do without this. This writing to express myself, writing to make my life easier. But I was wrong. Apparently, this is something that helps me cope. And if coping makes me a better cop, well, then, I've got to write.

I guess I should just dive right back in.

Castle said he has been instrumental in helping us solve crime. Montgomery actually agreed. Can you believe that?

It doesn't matter. None of it matters. I told him not to look into my mother's murder. And what does he do? Exactly what I asked him not to do. And does that surprise me? No.

He actually offered to buy my a pony to make up for it. As if.

The man's delusional. He thinks he can just take over everything, force his way into my life. I'm not looking for a savior. I don't need his help.

I made him promise to leave me alone after this latest case. He promised, but told me he'd make me change my mind. I hate that he was right.

Why did he have to be right?

About everything. He says we have good leads. Strong leads. He says we can do it together. Solve her case together.

I don't know that I can do it again. Even with him.

Just when I thought I could continue to hate him, watch him walk out of my life forever, he surprised me. He came into the precinct and just apologized. Just like that. It was so out of character, so unlike him.

That's when I realized. Solving cases, work, the day-to-day, is better with him.

I guess he'll be around for awhile longer.

Kate


	13. Chapter 13

a/n: Words cannot express how grateful I am for all of your continuing comments and support. Thank you! Sorry this is short - just an in between episodes look into Kate's thoughts. xoxo K

September 25, 2009

Dear Diary,

Do you want to tell me why I let him continue to follow me around? He's like a puppy. Following me around aimlessly all the time.

Seriously.

Leave.

Me.

Alone.

UGH.

Kate


	14. Chapter 14

_a/n: Wow. It's been forever...I'm truly sorry I haven't been able to write before now, but, such is life. I'm hoping that if you're still with me, you will continue to enjoy this story of mine. I'm going to make more of an effort to write consistently! As always, thank you so much for your constant support, readers help keep me going! xoxo, K_

April 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

Poker with Castle, his mother, the boys, and the Captain. I must say, there is never a dull moment with Martha around. Or any of the others for that matter. I thought I actually managed to beat Castle at poker, but, I'll get to that explanation later. It was a good night that, you guessed it, was interrupted with murder. All the fun nights are.

As Ryan said, murder never sleeps.

Getting knocked out then drowned in motor oil, what a way to go. It's always the weird ones for me. I bet you can guess whose theories were running rampant? I suppose consistency is good for me. I can count on Castle to lift the team's spirits, even if it does spread to the boys. I don't think I'm the only one who needs to smile at work.

But do you know what he had the nerve to do? He threw his poker hand. That's how I won. If I'm going to win, I'm going to do it honestly. I can't believe him. It's ridiculous. That's what it is. It's like he thought I couldn't do it without him. Typical male ego. So, I had to give him a taste of his own medicine. He invited me to play poker with his "Gotham City Crew". I let him win. Ha. Seems like he didn't appreciate someone letting him win. In the end, we had to had to have our own head to head showdown. He tried to get me to play strip poker…I'm sure you can imagine how well that worked out for him. We settled for a bag of gummy bears instead. Castle actually beat me. I couldn't believe it. I'll get him next time.

I mean, if we have another poker night. Because, I can take it or leave it.

I can.

 _Kate_


End file.
